At 27, a friend encouraged me to try online dating. By this point, I had dated casually, not sustained a long-term relationship and just gave up on trying because it all seemed exhausting.
Once the pandemic hit and we suddenly found ourselves in homes more than usual, the romantic bug if I should call it, creeped in.
I tried my best to not think about a relationship by taking long walks in nature, spending time with family and doing random workouts on YouTube. (Although, I did find one couple that I currently stick to for all my workouts, and you can check them out here.)
After chatting with a few friends, we decided we’d hop on the dating apps to start our search for love. And did we try them all; Hinge, Christian connections, Salt, Bumble, Elite Singles, Badzoo, plenty of fish, but hold up! We left out Tinder, for several reasons but to name a few; we were mainly looking for a Christian man, who loved God and followed the principals of the bible and most importantly, not all focused on the sexual side.
Starting out was exciting and fun. Having so many people like you in a day felt like being on the bachelorette.
If the conversation was going somewhere, we had a video call, and this hopefully led to a date in person.
You might be thinking, isn’t this what you should be doing anyway?
How will you find someone if you don’t give them a chance?
A few couples I know met online and they’re happily married with kids. Yes, I don’t dispute the chance of meeting love on one of these platforms, but after conversations with a few friends, we agreed that online dating can be draining… emotionally draining.
Let me unpack a few of the hidden emotional baggage’s of online dating.
You swipe right with to a few potential candidates, and they never respond. (Rejection)
You add your non-negotiables with dating, but occasionally a few will still try their luck. (They get rejected)
Start talking to someone you like, and they ghost when it seems to be leading somewhere. (you’re left confused)
You finally meet up for your first date, and immediately disappointed because you thought they’d be taller, shorter, perked up. (Catfished)
Maybe you finally meet up in person, everything’s great, you enjoy each other’s company and suggest a second date. (They never return your calls)
You reach a stage where you’ve met up for a few dates, until you encounter your first disagreement or argument. (Someone’s probably getting ghosted.)
It could be that you thought everything was heading to being exclusive, but suddenly the texts stop coming in, calls are non-existent, and you wonder whether you had been talking to an actual human being. (I’ve been there too)
I’m sure there’s more experiences and situations not listed here, but these represent some situations I’ve come across in this modern era of online dating.
If you have more, leave me a comment below.
Now, I give a shoutout to most sites because they share information on how to be safe and take care whilst getting to know someone. But for me, it all became exhausting.
I found myself emotionally drained, struggling to keep up with most of things I valued in life because I had to invest in dating, right?
Well, if we look back to the early 80s, most of our parents would meet people at social events. Whether it was church, a community group, work, at the gym, in a pub, through family members. The aim for most was to know about the person and then committing to a marriage.
The problem with online dating is that the options are vast. With the swipe of your thumb, you can reject someone or like them.
You find yourself swiping left to right, even with people who you see could be potential , but you keep on swiping, looking for the perfect one. This is called the paradox of choice. The notion that an overabundance of choices leads to feelings of indecision, anxiety, paralysis, and dissatisfaction.
For example, think of a pair of trainers that you've been eyeing for a while. You finally have the money to buy and find yourself at Nike store, only to find a variety of new air max ones that you didn’t even know existed. You wonder around the store, trying on different types because you can't decide which one will go with the outfit that you've so been longing to wear.
Eventually, you decide and buy a pair, but once you get home to start to wonder whether the ones you left would've been a better choice. If you're like me, you'll return them and get another pair, but you never fully find satisfaction because you know there still could be better.
That's why I decided to kiss online dating goodbye. I decided in my prayer time, and through conversations with my friends, that I want to find someone outside the era of online dating. It didn’t mean that I wouldn’t date, but I’d give a chance to meeting someone in person, where I get to see and know the people for who they really are and the values they hold.
The thought of not having to check notifications to see how many people liked my profile was also mental relief. Rather than seeking perfection in someone, I now seek out the values that will lead to a sustainable, healthy relationship.
Yes, it takes a while and patience really becomes a virtue (genuinely), but once you see the every day wonders and beauty that God has gifted you to share with the world, it makes it all worth the wait.
So, if you find yourself on the wheel of restless and non-meaningful relationships, I encourage you to have an honest self-review of what you're actually looking for.
This can be done in a journal, laptop or notepad and write down your true reasons for finding love right now.
If it’s loneliness, could it help to join a social group or community that aligns with your passions. How about joining a group, that encourages you to pursue your dreams and goals. Who knows you could find that waiting for a God-purposed relationship isn’t that bad after all.
Love,
Annette
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